Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
