i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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