we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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