Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so let's talk penis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
