better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
