Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
