WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
