Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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