Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't turn off my feet"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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