You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
