i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
