If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
