Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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