at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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