a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she peed on how many people?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
