Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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