I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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