I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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