Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
