i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
