I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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