Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.