Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
