i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
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So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.