I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
