Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
