She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
