The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
