Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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