ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
