God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
