we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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