you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
