I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
