Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
