Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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