I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
