Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
