so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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