i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
