does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
