I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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