Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
19 Movie Extras Reveal What It’s Like To Work With Celebrities
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess