but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..