im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
