I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
