i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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