I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This is my gift to your gina
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
