Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
