Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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