you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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