I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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