I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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