we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ttyl tear gas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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