But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
