So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
