i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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