About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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