she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
